Baking with JJ Abrams
Person: JJ, I want you to make some chocolate chip cookies.
JJ: [Returns several hours later with an apple pie mashed into a cookie box]
Person: … this is an apple pie mashed into a cookie box.
JJ: No, it’s chocolate chip cookies. Made for people like me, who hate chocolate!
Person: Look, I don’t care whether you personally hate chocolate… though it does make me question why you took this job. I asked you to make chocolate chip cookies. Not pie. Why is this difficult?
JJ: It’s not just me, though! Chocolate chip cookies have to appeal to the masses, and some of the masses don’t like chocolate!
Person: That’s fine, they can eat other things. I want you to make chocolate chip cookies anyway.
JJ: But they’ll never sell! I’m revitalizing the brand by doing this!
Person: What?? Chocolate chip cookies are one of the most popular cookies in existence! I wanted you to make a new batch— maybe add your personal twist, whatever, I’m not that picky. But you weren’t supposed to throw out the entire idea!
JJ: Well, I think the public wants chocolate chip cookies with more apple pie.
Person: Pretty sure “the public” actually wants a variety of well-made and distinctive pastries to choose from. But more importantly, there are people who specifically want chocolate chip, and you gave them apple pie!
JJ: I’m not making chocolate chip cookies for the people who already like them.
Person: You’re not making chocolate chip cookies for anyone at all!
JJ: Sure I am! I’m making them for people who like apple pie!
Person: No! You’re making apple pie for people who like apple pie!
JJ: I don’t know what you’re talking about. They’re chocolate chip cookies. It says so on the box. I even made clever references to older chocolate chip cookie boxes! So people who liked chocolate chip cookies in the past will appreciate that.
Person: The box top just has a pair of boobs printed on it.
JJ: That’s sexy. Sexy things sell. Chocolate chips are sexy. Do you hate boobs?
Person: … I don’t even know where to start with that. Um. Look, this isn’t even very tasty apple pie. I mean, some pieces are good, but others taste like curdled milk. What the hell?
JJ: But you DO think part of it is good!
Person: Sure! Good for being apple pie! After I pick out all the gross bits! BUT IT’S STILL NOT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.
JJ: Well, it’s still an improvement on the chocolate chip cookies they were making half a century ago!
Person: Excuse me? No. No, it’s really not. Wow. You are the worst. I’m never going to pay you for baking anything again.
JJ: Whatever, elitist diehard chocolate chip fan. Get a life.