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May 14, 2013   1,327 notes

Baking with JJ Abrams

Person: JJ, I want you to make some chocolate chip cookies.

JJ: [Returns several hours later with an apple pie mashed into a cookie box]

Person: … this is an apple pie mashed into a cookie box.

JJ: No, it’s chocolate chip cookies. Made for people like me, who hate chocolate!

Person: Look, I don’t care whether you personally hate chocolate… though it does make me question why you took this job. I asked you to make chocolate chip cookies. Not pie. Why is this difficult?

JJ: It’s not just me, though! Chocolate chip cookies have to appeal to the masses, and some of the masses don’t like chocolate!

Person: That’s fine, they can eat other things. I want you to make chocolate chip cookies anyway.

JJ: But they’ll never sell! I’m revitalizing the brand by doing this!

Person: What?? Chocolate chip cookies are one of the most popular cookies in existence! I wanted you to make a new batch— maybe add your personal twist, whatever, I’m not that picky. But you weren’t supposed to throw out the entire idea!

JJ: Well, I think the public wants chocolate chip cookies with more apple pie.

Person:
Pretty sure “the public” actually wants a variety of well-made and distinctive pastries to choose from. But more importantly, there are people who specifically want chocolate chip, and you gave them apple pie!

JJ:
I’m not making chocolate chip cookies for the people who already like them.

Person:
You’re not making chocolate chip cookies for anyone at all!

JJ:
Sure I am! I’m making them for people who like apple pie!

Person: No! You’re making apple pie for people who like apple pie!

JJ:
I don’t know what you’re talking about. They’re chocolate chip cookies. It says so on the box. I even made clever references to older chocolate chip cookie boxes! So people who liked chocolate chip cookies in the past will appreciate that.

Person:
The box top just has a pair of boobs printed on it.

JJ:
That’s sexy. Sexy things sell. Chocolate chips are sexy. Do you hate boobs?

Person:
… I don’t even know where to start with that. Um. Look, this isn’t even very tasty apple pie. I mean, some pieces are good, but others taste like curdled milk. What the hell?

JJ:
But you DO think part of it is good!

Person:
Sure! Good for being apple pie! After I pick out all the gross bits! BUT IT’S STILL NOT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.

JJ:
Well, it’s still an improvement on the chocolate chip cookies they were making half a century ago!

Person: Excuse me? No. No, it’s really not. Wow. You are the worst. I’m never going to pay you for baking anything again.

JJ:
Whatever, elitist diehard chocolate chip fan. Get a life.

#in which I overextend a metaphor to its breaking point #JJ is not of the body #1kp

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  9. justabrowncoatedwench reblogged this from raktajino-hot and added:
    This is PERFECTION!
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    I still haven’t seen this movie, but I must admit that watching Abrams admit in interviews that he didn’t like Star Trek...
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    Holy shit. This is so fucking perfect. As my partner says, “Next he’ll stomp off in a sulk to never bake again. He’s...
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