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May 14, 2013   1,327 notes

Baking with JJ Abrams

Person: JJ, I want you to make some chocolate chip cookies.

JJ: [Returns several hours later with an apple pie mashed into a cookie box]

Person: … this is an apple pie mashed into a cookie box.

JJ: No, it’s chocolate chip cookies. Made for people like me, who hate chocolate!

Person: Look, I don’t care whether you personally hate chocolate… though it does make me question why you took this job. I asked you to make chocolate chip cookies. Not pie. Why is this difficult?

JJ: It’s not just me, though! Chocolate chip cookies have to appeal to the masses, and some of the masses don’t like chocolate!

Person: That’s fine, they can eat other things. I want you to make chocolate chip cookies anyway.

JJ: But they’ll never sell! I’m revitalizing the brand by doing this!

Person: What?? Chocolate chip cookies are one of the most popular cookies in existence! I wanted you to make a new batch— maybe add your personal twist, whatever, I’m not that picky. But you weren’t supposed to throw out the entire idea!

JJ: Well, I think the public wants chocolate chip cookies with more apple pie.

Pretty sure “the public” actually wants a variety of well-made and distinctive pastries to choose from. But more importantly, there are people who specifically want chocolate chip, and you gave them apple pie!

I’m not making chocolate chip cookies for the people who already like them.

You’re not making chocolate chip cookies for anyone at all!

Sure I am! I’m making them for people who like apple pie!

Person: No! You’re making apple pie for people who like apple pie!

I don’t know what you’re talking about. They’re chocolate chip cookies. It says so on the box. I even made clever references to older chocolate chip cookie boxes! So people who liked chocolate chip cookies in the past will appreciate that.

The box top just has a pair of boobs printed on it.

That’s sexy. Sexy things sell. Chocolate chips are sexy. Do you hate boobs?

… I don’t even know where to start with that. Um. Look, this isn’t even very tasty apple pie. I mean, some pieces are good, but others taste like curdled milk. What the hell?

But you DO think part of it is good!

Sure! Good for being apple pie! After I pick out all the gross bits! BUT IT’S STILL NOT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.

Well, it’s still an improvement on the chocolate chip cookies they were making half a century ago!

Person: Excuse me? No. No, it’s really not. Wow. You are the worst. I’m never going to pay you for baking anything again.

Whatever, elitist diehard chocolate chip fan. Get a life.

#in which I overextend a metaphor to its breaking point #JJ is not of the body #1kp

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    This is PERFECTION!
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    I still haven’t seen this movie, but I must admit that watching Abrams admit in interviews that he didn’t like Star Trek...
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    Holy shit. This is so fucking perfect. As my partner says, “Next he’ll stomp off in a sulk to never bake again. He’s...
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